Published June 14, 2012
Rashbone Cinamore felt his long, large plate of glass more slowly beneath him. "What's the matter?" She said to the sycamore tree. "Can't you feel that fire burning a million times greater? And with a rush all he said was, "No, unfortunately I can't see those miles away. Rash liked to skateboard down hills and so the main reason of this discontempt was illiteracy.
"I want this. I want that," who did this person think he was? Better yet, was this person even contempted to live on? What had the result been of this poor, unsavoury, sweep of darkness? Rashbone lied to Sinamore. He felt the blood rushing across his vieins as Poor Cinamore lept out of greatness, and onto the red letto cmmore bar, as blood spilt all overi t.
Your family's in danger, a voice in his head had said. My family? He replied, checking to see if it was a compluted autobot. You must leave home and never return. Rashmore was befuddled in confusion. Who's voice was interpretly playing in his head like a soft doom that sparked immediate reaction to the Senate of the Chamber House - Phanus Somerland, the Archbiship of the Crystal Palace, and Rashbone would hold it no deeper among his fellow classmates. Rashbone's head began swelling. It often did when he was thinking about his mother and father. And baby - somehow the words striked him as unappreciateive, his drool hanging from his collar, and in between all the world and himself. Rash held his breath as his body dived striaght head into the cold bristling wayer.
"There you og, my boy," Veronica whistled.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,688 Literary Works • 672,649 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm her to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well, cool name for the protagonist there, and equally oddly cool entrance with a random spinning plate of glass which definitely gets your attention as a reader, cause its simply just such an expected to thing to be randomly mentioned in a place like this and that just makes you take a pause....beyond that however, it kind became very random, like I don't sense any kind of flow there, it looks like two completely different conversations put one after the other, and that's a bit confusing to start with here.
OKay, now we see our protagonist here get mad about something, but once again, I don't see where its coming from, it just seemingly comes out of nowhere...and well, the part the follows is done pretty well, you get the feeling of someone about to do some serious damage there and you can sense the anger, but yeah, you need to work on where it comes from here.
Okay so this part has perhaps the best sense of continuity so far...we go from this angry scene to him getting a bit confused by a voice in head that appears to mutter some grave warnings there about his family...definitely something that gets you to sit up and notice there as a reader...buut, I feel like it still goes off on too much of a tangent towards the end and it dissolves back into making no sense here.
Overall, I liked a few of the ideas here, and it looks like it has potential as a story, but for the moment its a bit too much of a mess of thoughts to really consider a story here, this needs a second look at here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello! My name is Hawk and I'm here to review.
First off, I've got to say that I really like the name Rashbone. It has a promising air of mystery, adventure, and danger. I like it immensely.
Now, for the story. There really isn't any clarity. You introduce a slew of information and none of it makes any sense. When you start a story, you want to show the reader a scene, introduce a character or two (and usually it's the main one) and then proceed to unfurl a plot, so the reader has an idea of what kind of story this is and where it might possibly be going.
Try coming up with an outline. If you have an idea of what you want the plot to be, write it down and then build in the details. Figure out who is going to meet whom and where that will be, and what kind of actions will take place. Don't just give us a bunch of information that's loosely connected; explain and show to us where these things come from.
Also, read over your work. The cleaner a post, the more people will read it. Use spellcheck to make sure your words make sense (such as "red letto cmmore bar" -- I haven't the faintest what you meant by that), and try reading your work aloud. That'll help you catch grammatical errors and places where the wording is off.
So, in summary, try to clear the storyline up and don't make it so confusing, and double check your work to make sure it's easy to read and understand. I'd like to see what kind of world you can make with this Rashbone fellow; I'm sure it'd be exciting.
If you have any questions or whatnot, don't hesitate to ask me.
Cheers!
~Hawk
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh what? What... just happened?
I must say, I can't really follow what's going on. I was getting a bit of a mental image in the beginning, but then the story went off somewhere else. I like what I read, but it'd be nice to have some context. I look forward to reading more of this story!